A Wasted Sunday Night

(Sorry for not posting on Friday...things got crazy...I am a bad boy)

So since my wife gets to control the remote sometimes I was froced into watching You're The One That I Want and The Apprentice: LA last night. All I have to say about this is that I would have much rathered forked over the $10.75 to have seen Freedom Writers while a wolverine gnawed at my honey coated ankles.

You're The One That I Want
Before I continue, let me first say that I love Broadway, and I love Broadway musicals. My mother raised me on show tunes (thank god my dad raised me on Led Zepplin and The Who), so obviously Grease was a show (and film) that I know very well. I saw the last revival of it (the one with that fat lesbian chick from The View), and it was OK. To me Grease is just one of those musicals that won't ever go away. You either love it or are kind of in the middle (I am in the middle). I don't know anyone who hates it. The one thing you have to admit is that it makes for GREAT Karaoke songs, and songs that if you had them on a "random" mix that you "happen" to put on when you "happen" to have a musical theater major in your room when you were in college...you "happen" to get laid.

First off, I can't keep typing the title You're The One That I Want, so from here on out I will refer to this show as "James Belushi". There is only one reason to watch a show like James Belushi or John Cryer (that's how I refer to American Idol) , and it's to watch people's dreams get crushed. Sure, it's fun to see the freaks who have no talent make asses of themselves, but what's more fun is to see the people who have some talent just get whacked in the stomach with a solid lead pipe of reality. I like to refer to these people as "Margies", for their marginal talent and marginal overall presentation.

Think back to when you were in high school, was there one mildly attractive person who was always the lead in every high school play? And when this person got into NYU's Tisch acting school, did they let everyone know about it, and all of a sudden start wearing scarves and begin drinking just hot water with lemon. Well, that's the type of person who makes a show like James Belushi fun to watch.

To see these people's faces when they are flat out told "No" or "That was painful", oh boy, am I just ticked pink. John Cryer is the grand daddy of reaction shots for these people, but James Belushi completely dropped the ball. There were at least 4 or 5 times in last night's episode where someone lost it, and the cameras just were not there. Also, the host Billy Bush is so wrong for this type of program (he is also just wrong for the overall race...the human race that is). Say what you want about Seacrest, but he fucking knows what the audience wants. When Ryan sees someone on the brink of tears, he always asks the questions that pushes them over. Or when we sees a contestant just seething, Seacrest just gives that smug little look and BOOM...crazy is in the house. Billy Bush, gave someone a tissue last night. There were tears welling up in the eyes of this absolutely destroyed 20 years old waitress, and Bush gives her a tissue and hug. DUDE, you are the host, you are hosting me...give ME...what I want. Make her cry, and then show her the door to the porn auditions next door.

There is no better musical to rip the hearts out of a Margie than Grease. Between the popularity of the film, and the fact that every fucking middle school, high school, summer camp, fat camp, old age home, and mental institution puts on a staging of Grease at least once every 2 years; there isn't a single Margie out there who hasn't played Danny or Sandy once in their lives, and then were told by their overly loving friend of the family who's brother-in-law sweeps the floor at the Universal Studios back lot, that they were the single best Danny or Sandy they had ever seen.

OK, to finish this diatribe off. My wife liked the show...so now I have to be in some way exposed to it from here on out. I just hope that if I do have to sit through it again, the producers learn how to get me some real pain out of these Margies.

The Apprentice: LA
(I am assuming that all of you have seen at least a few if not one entire season of this show...if you haven't, well, you are a stronger person than I am)

Fuck Trump...seriously, fuck him so hard that he has to use one of those blow up donuts for sitting. OK, with that out of the way...for some reason NBC brought back this tired reality show, (but as everyone is saying) with new twists. The twists? The show is now in LA, Ivanka Trump is the new Carolyn, the losing team every week has to live in a tent outside of of the mansion where the winner sleep, and the winning project manager not only stays that project manager till the team looses, but also gets to be Trump's other advisor in the board room. Please let me take a second to comment on these one at a time...

1) The show is now in LA - As a New Yorker I think this is bullshit. The consistently best part of The Apprentice was their exterior shots of NYC, and how they really did make NYC feel like the financial capitol of the country (WHICH IT IS...NBC DUCHE BAGS). Anyway, I understand this change. Why? Well, in NYC there were no hot chicks in bikinis and hot tubs. Now that they are in LA...well just based on the first episode they got both. I have to admit that hot chicks in bikinis and hot tubs are not contributing factors to me wanting to watch a show, but in the ever expanding world of hot chicks in bikinis and hot tubs in the current TV landscape, the producers of The Apprentice had to keep up (sigh).

2) Ivanka Trump is the new Carolyn - Ivanka is huge in every way. She towers over the contestants, she is a giantess ("It's fun to be a giantess. You get to travel the world, and see cool things, and meet nice people"). By the way, who is Ivanka? We know she went to Wharton because The Donald says it every five minutes, but who is she? And also, I can't tell if she is hot or not. Anyway, it's clear from the first episode that NBC and the producers are setting her up to be the hot new thing that comes out of the show, so we'll wait and see how this works out. For my money, she's fine, just eh...at least she's better than her fuck stick of a father.

3) The losing team every week has to live in a tent outside of of the mansion where the winner sleep, and the winning project manager not only stays that project manager till the team looses, but also gets to be Trump's other advisor in the board room - I am combining all these for one reason...Mark Burnett. The guy is so smart, and so successful in so many ways...he can rip himself off. How? Losing team living in tents outside, braving the elements (in LA...right). Does this sound familiar to anyone? Say, um, Survivor's Exile Island. And the winning team's project manager in the board room...hmmmm...again, sitting in on Trial Council. To Burnett, it is clear, if it worked on on one show, it will work on another. We will see, we will see.

I want to mention one more thing about last night's episode. The two teams' task was to see who could make the most amount of money running a two separate car washes. I want to point out of few tiny shots that lasted no more than 2 or 3 seconds each. These imagess showed the more attractive female cast members on all fours, in their respectable women's business attire, scrubbing the hub cabs of cars. Sweating, breathing hard, and the angles used were like something out of porno. Now not only were my wife and I uncomfortable with these images, but on a much more ugly sexist level, Nicholson's line from A Few Good Men kept running through my head, "There is nothing on this earth sexier, believe me, gentlemen, than a woman you have to salute in the morning. Promote 'em all, I say, because this is true - if you haven't gotten a blow-job from a superior officer, well, you're just letting the best in life pass you by." Is it also wrong that this quote is why I dated the Valedictorian from my High School class for four years? ;)