First off, yes, I am completely ripping of Mr. Bill Simmons with this idea, but to quote Paul Thomas Anderson who was quoting Francis Ford Coppola, "there are no original ideas anymore; it’s just people ripping off people with a different angle applied to it."
That’s what I am doing. What’s my angle? Well, Oscar night of course! I figure I’ll do this for three reasons (1) to document the night that Marty finally wins himself a Golden Boy (2) so I can reread exactly what I did all night and realize my life is king of a joke (3) so years from now I can show my kids what Daddy used to subject poor Mommy too before they were born.
So away we go…
5:31pm – Just finished my intro. I have a good half hour till Seacrest kicks off the Red Carpet. Just enough time to shave, get half-way through the George Weah script, cut the veggies for the Calzone, and finish some emails.
5:45pm – We have a bit of a quandary…the Red Carpet starts in 15 minutes, but so does the first "Under Siege" - the BEST Steve Seagal film ever made (which is not saying much, but it’s true). Great Director, Andrew Davis (pre "The Fugitive"), fantastic bad guys, Tommy Lee Jones (also pre "The Fugitive", but more than this, pre-respectability) and Gary Busey (pre-4th mental breakdown). But more than all this I have to give a special shout out to and "thank you" to Erika Eleniak for jumping out of the birthday cake topless. You are the reason this was the first "R" rated film I snuck into. Bless you, and bless the fact that the film’s showing in HD.
5:58pm – Quandary solved the film’s showing on TNT, so no Eleniak cake scene and all violence censored.
6:05pm – Debbie Snufalufagus is disgustingly skinny. She makes Nicole Ritchie look well fed. And what’s with Seacrest taking the camera and pointing it back at his crew…who taught Ryan how to be meta.
OK, first commercial break…off to TNT for Seagal baby! I just can’t help myself.
6:09pm – I want James Macavoy’s accent. What the hell is Wolfgang Puck doing with Oscar shaped food…AND in his chef’s outfit. He must feel so degraded, like if a monkey knew that people were laughing at it not loving it when it dances to the organ grinder.
6:24pm – I am bored already. I need some substance…well, I guess I should stop watching a Red Carpet show for that huh? This is sad, why do I do this every year.
So I see Portia De Rossi, and I just think to myself how much I miss "Arrested Development". I love that it’s on HDNET…I watched an hour today.
6:3pm – The irony. Both my parents work in fashion, I was raised in that work, and I could care less about all this BS. Alert, dumbing down moment - Al and Tipper Gore being interviewed by Ryan Seacrest, when the hell are we ever going to see this again.
6:48pm – Don’t got a lot to say about the Red Carpet, but I have tons to say about how much I want to see "Zodiac", but I won’t bother you with that now. I love me some Fincher. "What’s in the box…ahhhh…what’s in the box?!"
I never thought I would say this, but Jessica Biel looked awful, and I know I’ve said this before, but Rachel Weitz looked incredible!
A
lso, did Travolta get hair plugs because he looks like Tobias Bluth on "Arrested Development" when he got his, kind of creepy.
7:04pm – Dinner break, Abs made a kick ass Calzone. Be back in a few.
7:35pm – OK, great dinner. Thanks Abs.
Here’s some quick catch up comments. I love Steve Carrell and Nancy Walls, they should be hosting the show; Alan Arkin is kind of old and deaf; seeing Forrest Whitacre makes me want to see the new season of "The Shield" NOW; and finally, my first praise for Seacrest for the night…this guy is obviously oblivious to what’s going on, but I would like to think that he is just so REAL, but the dude talks about and sometimes publicly bashes the people he’s just interviewed seconds after he’s finished with them. Basically, while they are still on earshot…I love this guy!
7:52pm – So who was that woman with Eddie, the one with the mirror on her cleavage?
Anyway, Kate Winslet is incredible in every way…plus we got a quick Rickie Gervais moment. Now of the people I’ve seen tonight I’d want to have dinner with those two.
7:59pm – Time to change to ABC…I wonder who is doing their Red Carpet? Seacrest out!
8:02pm – Oh, it’s Chris Connelly…COOL! Now I feel kind of bad asking him to do anything for the festival. From Oscars to Tribeca, kind of a gargantuan step down, huh?
By the way, what the hell was that "Happy Feet" opening? That was awful. And I guess ABC blew their host budget on Connelly because who the hell is Lisa Ling?
8:09pm – This ABC pre-show is awful…oh maybe I should not say that…let me try again, this ABC pre-show is the standard of excellence ;)
Haven’t checked in on "Under Siege" in a while…oops, too late, ABC is back on.
8:24pm – I don’t know this host woman’s name, but she just made the biggest and most embarrassing mistake of the night. When talking to the three brilliant Mexican directors, she said that they are compared to another brilliant filmmaking treo, and she went on to say, "Coppola, Lucas, and Ford." HUH?! Why is she on the red carpet if she does not know that the third person was a small filmmaker names Steven Spielberg (and some could say it was 4 of them by adding Marty in there). GOD, I am so pissed at her…who ever she is. Well, at least I can be rest assured she will never be asked back this again. ARGGGGG!
8:27pm – Time for the show…finally.
8:36pm – Kind of cool opening with the nominee interviews. I guess even the Oscars can be influenced by Mac commercials.
8:42pm – The Al Gore and Jennifer Hudson joke has been the best so far. Very creative.
8:44pm – Now I’m as down as the next guy for a good ole’ fashion Southern Gospel Choir, but what the frick was that? That was a ridiculous waste of $5M.
8:46pm – That’s one for "Pan’s", I’m 1-1.
More than this, did anyone else notice Kidman’s two screw-ups? First, maybe she was honoring Elmer Fudd, but she said, "Dweemgirls". Then she had a big Academy fopa with, "And the winner is." It’s supposed to be "And the Oscar goes too." The Academy made a big deal about this about 10 years ago. This is not a new thing, and she’s even presented before. Maybe she’s been dipping into her husband’s stash…hmmmm?
8:50pm – I want that iPhone!
8:53pm – I hope Ferrell makes me laugh, he better not suck!
8:57pm – I am turning off the broadcast…flat out, Jack Black, Will Ferrell, and John C. Reilly? COME ON! Too cool!
8:58pm – "Pan’s" again…2-2 people. I am just going to say right now I got them all right because I don’t remember what I chose for most of the rest. So YAY me…I am king!
9:03pm – The director who accepted for the Short Film gave one of the best acceptance speeches. Very heartfelt and meaningful…and no I am not saying this because the film was about Jews…Come on ;)
9:13pm – Is there anything more useless than a sound effects choir? I was those last 2 minutes of my life back.
9:27pm – I’m bored…for real. I am happy about Arikn. But at this point I just kind of want this whole thing to be over.
9:29pm – What’s with all these user generated content commercial contests? That Dove add was just sad. If these people were good enough to make commercials for TV they’d be doing it already. I don’t want to see an add made by some disgruntled 20 something bank teller who owns a DV cam.
9:31pm – I hate James Taylor. (That’s it, nothing creative to say. I just hate James Taylor)
9:34pm – I don’t mind Melissa Etherige, but I could do without the self-righteous phrases scrolling in the background. All of a sudden everyone in Hollywood is Green…whatever.
And PLEASE…enough with the preachy Environment shit. I know how important it is, I knew how important it was 15 years ago when we were lectured in middle school on using aerosol products, recycling, and energy conservation. But the more Hollywood as a whole harps on this issue the more it just comes off as fake. It’s sad is what it is…sad.
9:54pm – William Monahan is a great writer, but after all the awards he’s already won for "The Departed" didn’t someone tell him got not to eat the mic when he talks?
10:15pm – I am shocked I have not fallen asleep yet, this is boring as hell. I liked Ellen getting her picture taken from Spielberg and that "Pan’s" won again, but it must be a pretty bad show when I would rather be watching the new episode of "Battlestar Gallactica". Now that is not a knock on "Gallactica", not at all, in fact it’s a compliment…it’s a comment on how absolutely painful this show has been. It’s like getting a dental cleaning while listening to Kenny G.
10:29pm – I really liked that Foreign film montage; it really puts into context how incredible a group of films the winner will be joining. Too bad "Pan’s" didn’t win.
10:36pm – You gotta feel good for Jennifer Hudson, besides Eddie, she was the only thing worth watching in that film.
10:43pm – They just ace out the doc short award and I am dying…so I am ending this timeline and finish watching from my bedroom. I’ll catch you tomorrow morning for comments on the stuff not…
10:44am (Monday, February 26, 2007) – So, as I laid in bed with the sound low trying not to wake up my wife, the little film school geek in me got to finally see Marty win best director. My one comment on this is…if the Academy had brought up Coppola, Lucas, and Spielberg and NOT given it to Marty, wow! So I’m glad he finally got one…film geeks of the world rejoice!
There is one thing that is bothering me though (and yes, I think I am the only one who is probably thinking this). Now, I am thrilled that Marty and "The Departed" won, BUT I am a little upset of how that might appear when Scorsese’s career is looked back upon. As much as I loved "The Departed", I don’t want people to start calling it Marty’s "masterpiece" just because he and the film won and Oscar. Honestly, in the entire catalogue of Marty films, yes, "The Departed" would rank high as one of his all time greats…but it is clearly not his best. And when I say "clearly", I mean it’s not even worth having the discussion. The man has made at least 4 other films that are not only better, but more influential and important to Cinema as a whole.
"Raging Bull", greatest American film of all time. There is no movie made by an American filmmaker that is more complete on every level – it is THE true Scorsese masterpiece. Then comes "Goodfellas"; close to "Bull" on most storytelling and technical levels, but a little long and choppy at the end. "Taxi Driver", no single film produced from the 70’s had more of a socio-political impact on this country, and technically what Marty does with the camera is way ahead of its time. Then, comes "The Departed". It’s good to know he’s still got it (and not just settling for films like "Gang of New York" and "The Aviator"), but man…it is not his best by far.
Finally, what was with the producer of "The Departed"? He looked completely unprofessional. To me he came off as the kind of guy who everyone is friends with because he has a lot of money and lots of connections, but in reality no one likes and thinks is a complete loser. Why the hell didn’t Marty pick up the award? Who cares if he wasn’t a producer…he’s Scorsese!
10:51am (Monday, February 26, 2007) – So that’s it. The show sucked…but we can all be happy for "The Departed" and Scorsese. Till next year.
