It's Been Too Long My Friends

So a lot has happened in the week and a half I wasn’t blogging. I went on vacation, Payton made it to a Super Bowl, and for the first time in a long time the President delivered the State of the Union to a Democratic house (I should go away more often). Anyway, lot to get though so let’s get right to it, shall we…

SALMA HAYEK’S TATAS
I would not be doing myself justice if I did not lead with the Oscars. Oscar nomination day is my Christmas and Oscar night is my New Years. Truth be told, I don’t know if it’s that I am so preoccupied or just getting older, but for the first time since I began caring about this wholly inane event…well, I wasn’t pissed when the nominations were announced. In fact, I was downright “blah”.

To put this all into context, ME, your humble narrator, goes into a tizzy every year daming those “old fogies at the Academy” for their safe and unexciting nominations. Always saying, “No so and so should have been nominated over so and so, and because there overlooked so and so the state of film is going into the crapper.” (Over dramatic? Yes. But this is entertainment my friends…and I have noting else in my life to talk about since baseball season is over). All this deep seeded personal seething culminates in about an hour long rant at the end to the end of the actual Oscar broadcast when I proceed to talk passionately about how “once again all the wrong stuff won”. Case in point, Forrest Gump winning over Pulp Fiction or Shawshank Redemption sent me on a rampage that I have still not come down from. That one still hits me right in the A.B.C.

To reiterate, I don’t know if it’s that I am getting older, or that I was more concerned about other things, but I would like to think that for the first time (in a long time), the Academy actually got (most) of their nominations right.

Here were my initial thoughts…

Dreamgirls – I have made it no secret that I was not a fan of this film. Therefore, I could not be more pleased that it was (as everyone is saying right now) “snubbed”. I don’t think it was “snubbed”, I just think it was a weak film. I am thrilled about Eddie and Hudson though, they are the film. If you recall, I myself had them both as my ONLY Dreamgirls nominations when I sent out the 2006 list. Here’s a Fun Fact, Dreamgirls is the first film in Oscar history to lead the pack in total number of nominations, and not get a Best Picture nod. I think this fact just about sums up the films pre-buzz, release, and longevity…lot’s of noise, but nothing to show for it. I am cheering for Eddie to win though. That guy deserves an Oscar already…forget the obvious stuff like Coming to America and The Nutty Professor, but go back and look at him in Bowfinger. Hands down his GREATEST performance. The guy plays two characters and all he does is wear a pair of glasses to differentiate between the two. Everything else is just Eddie! The guy is a genius!

Borat – This is my one gripe with the Academy this year. I’m upset that this film did not get a Best Picture and Best Actor nod (It go what I like to call the “Too Cool For School” nomination. This is the Best Screenplay Nom. Over the last ten to fifteen years, all the films which I think should land a Best Picture Nom always get shunned to the screenplay category. It seems like the Academy tries to save face by giving them this one and only nod, and then saying “Hey, we’re cool…we recognized the film”. Case in point, here are some films that were shunned to just a Screenplay Nom – Out of Sight, Trainspotting, A Simple Plan, The Royal Tenenbaums, and the list goes on and on).

In my humble opinion, there was no film more influential or groundbreaking this year, and for this reason it deserves a Best Picture nod. I still believe there would be no Borat film without the success of the first Jackass film. But the fact is, where Jackass was a DV film with just a series of segments, Borat found a way to turn the DV segments into an actual movie with a narrative spine.

It’s a perfect blend of reality and scripted comedy. Like The Matrix, I guarantee, that for the next ten years people will be trying to knock of the style of this film. It inspired a whole new genre of filmmaking, and for this reason alone it deserves a Best Picture nod.

And it would not be fair to not mention that the whole thing was held together by the sheer audacity and twisted brilliance of Sacha Baron Cohen. Who gave one of the most ballsy and literally dangerous performances I have ever seen,

Little Miss Sunshine – I love this movie, and once again, not to toot my own horn…but I called for the Abigail Breslin and Alan Arkin noms, and I got them. Very happy.

Babel – This is my Lion King, my Forrest Gump, my Braveheart. This is the film that everyone loved, and I just wished I had my two hours back. Which leads me too…

The Mexicans – When I really think about it, I feel the reason I am so content with this year’s nominations is that there were certain people selected that I have been trying to bring out of “Geekville” and into the public’s consciousness for some time. Two people in particular from this year’s noms are Guillermo Del Toro and Alfonso Cuaron.

As a geeky fan boy, to me Del Toro is on the level of Sami Raimi and Peter Jackson. The guy started out kicking ass in horror films and then worked his way to respectability. When I saw Del Toro’s Cronos for the first time almost ten years ago I was hooked. I knew this guy was the bee’s knees, and Pan’s Labyrinth is a perfect blending of all this talents (By the way, he is also the director of one of the most underrated action films/comic book films of all time. Don’t laugh, but if you haven’t see in Blade 2, go out and rent it. It is unreal. What he does with this sequel is criminal…no Blade film should have ever been that good).

Now to Cuaron. It’s no secret that I think Children of Men was the best film of the year, but I am not as upset as you’d think that it did not get more noms. I think it’s because I came to terms with how badly Universal screwed the film over with it’s release…so I guess I can’t blame the Academy for this. Anyway, Cuaron is a visual genious, but what makes him truly special is that he treats character and story with as much love and care as he does his visuals. If you haven’t seen it…well, just go out and rent all his films. They are not only eye candy, but there is something about them that truly touches the heart (Yes, even Harry Potter and The Prisoner of Azkaban…where the best parts of the film are not the lavish set and GFX pieces, but the intimate moments between characters. The guy single handedly saved the Potter film series and also set the bar for all other Potter films to follow. That is saying quite a bit for one of the most successful franchises of all time).

Jesus Camp – This is the film that is going to make me go nuts on Oscar night…I just know it. In my mind, there hasn’t been a more powerful or more important doc made this whole year, and when Jesus Camp looses to that mediocre Al Gore film I’m going to go off. Now I am going to stop all you haters before you respond to me and say how important and influential the Gore film was because you know what? You’re right! It was a highly important and relevant film, BUT it is not the BEST Documentary of the year.

Marty – I would be remiss if I did not mention my main man Marty Scorsese. Right now I am going to guarantee The Departed wins Best Picture. The ONLY thing that will make me go off on Oscar night (besides Will Smith winning for that piece of shit film) would be Marty walking away empty handed as Best Director. If ANYONE other than Clint wins they should go up to the podium, thank the Academy, graciously decline the award, and then hand it to Marty (I say other than Clint, because although I don’t think he should win, the guy is one of our modern masters…so you can’t be pissed if/when he wins an award…it’s just this is not his year).

Paul Greengrass, Stephen Frears, Alejandro González Iñárritu, although all talented, owe everything to directors like Marty. It just does not make sense for one of them to have an Oscar if Marty does not. And don’t give me that whole, “Well, Hitchcock never won an Oscar” bullshit because Hitch never lost of Robert Redford and Kevin Costner. I will say this and be done, Scorsese lost the Best Directing Award to Redford with Ordinary People, and he lost to Costner with Dances with Wolves, and what did Marty have….oh, just Raging Bull and Goodfellas. It’s a crime.

Well, that’s all I have to say about Oscar now…I am sure more will seep out of my brain soon. So stay tuned.

OH WAIT, ONE MORE THING…did anyone see how hot Salma looked when she announced the nominations? I mean come on, could she have looked any more lovely at 5:30am PST. I think not…I love me some Salma!

FLOP ACES
OK, so a couple of weeks ago I made a big to-do about Smokin’ Aces, and how it got hosed with its release date. Well, it opened this weekend, I forked over $10.25, and just hated it…and if I were the studio, I would close it next weekend. This film sucked! I mean flat out blew donkey balls. It was boring, convoluted, and just way too high on itself for its own good. I am deeply disappointed in Joe Carnahan, and I hope this sophomore slump does not translate to his next film (I loved Narc, and hope he goes back to that type of film next). I 100% eat my words on this one folks, the studios had it right, it should have been buried on January 26…because it was that bad (although, based on my 5:00pm crowd at Regal Union Square…it might have a fair showing at the BO…but that don’t matter…bad, Bad, BAd, BAD).

OK, NO MORE MR. NICE GAIUS!
So for a couple of years now my trusted and loved geek droogies have been talking up the Sci-Fi channel show Battlestar Galactica. They keep telling me how, “up my alley” it is, and like Deadwood, how the show seemed to “crawl out of my highly opinioned subconsciousness.” (I know, I have some very strange friends…but it’s not what you think. We don’t sit around playing competitive X Box 360 over the internet all day…in fact I don’t even own a gaming station. No, WE choose to hang out in movie theater lobbies and make fun of people’s ticket purchases. I am so John Cusack from High Fidelity I know.)

Anyway, before my brief vacation last week, my wife asked me to go grab her the third season of Charmed on DVD for the trip (FYI…this is a major sore point between my sweetie and I…she now owns four season of that god forsaken show, and she is pleading with me to make it a part of my DVD collection. I just can’t…I will not have that trash sitting on a shelf with the likes of The Shield, Arrested Development, Freaks and Geeks, and The Muppet Show…not your problem, I know, but I just wanted to share).

Anyway, when I was at the Virgin Mega Store purchasing Charmed, I happen to pass the Battlestar Galactica DVDs and figured; “What the hell, try the first season, see what all the fuss is about, and if you don’t like it…well you can just trade in the box set for some other used DVDs you want.”

Well, there is no trading in going on here (in fact I have since bought the second season and am tearing through it now). THIS SHOW ROCKS! I am not a big sci-fi genre guy, I take it in the minimal form of the Star Wars movies and the Alien films (BTW…notice how I called the Star Wars trilogy “movies”, and the Alien series “films”…not a mistake my friends…not a mistake).

I promise a more in depth posting on the show after I finish the third season, but let me say this…It is such a well thought out, crafted, acted, and executed show. I want to urge all of you to at least rent the first season, it’s not a huge commitment. In fact the first season wasn’t a season at all, it was just a quick 3 hour mini-series that blossomed into a series. I challenge any one of your to watch those 3 hours and tell me you are not hooked. The show FRACKING rocks!

THIS IS 2007
So ever since I pointed out Somkin’ Aces as a film I was looking forward too, I’ve been thinking about putting together a very, very, very preliminary list of my most anticipated films for 2007. It will be interesting to see how some of these films play out. Now, before I continue, since this is MY blog, I am giving myself free reign to alter the list as the year goes along. I of course will keep everyone posted as I do. Here we go…

1. Spiderman 3 – OBVOUSLY! (Release Date: May 4, 2007)
2. Knocked Up – Judd Apatow’s follow up film to The 40 Year Old Virgin. Not only is Apatow my god…well, yeah, he is my GOD, there is nothing else. (Release Date: June 1, 2007)
3. The Simpson’s Movie – Is an explanation needed? (Release Date: July 27, 2007)
4. Sunshine – My all time favorite director Danny Boyle tackles sci-fi with this fracked up story about restarting the sun. (Release Date: March 16, 2007)
5. Ratatoullie – From the writer, director, and studio that brought us The Incredibles. PLUS it has the voice of Patton Oswalt in it. Awsomeness! (Release Date: June 29, 2007)
6. Hot Fuzz – Follow up to Shaun of the Dead, looks hilarious (Release Date: March 9, 2007)
7. Reno 911: Miami – Ahem, see my Borat will spawn a new breed of films like it…line from the above section. Either way, the TV show rocks, and the film will rock as well. I want me some short shorts! (Release Date: March 9, 2007)
8. Grindhouse – I see anything Tarantino and Rodriguez make, but this concept sounds way cool. Two B-Horror films for the price of one. Count me in! (Release Date: April 6, 2007)
9. The Bourne Supremacy – The first two were great! I am a self proclaimed Damon, lover. And with Greengrass back directing, and Joan Allen to be the foil what else could they do? Oh, just maybe add David Stratherian to the mix? Well they did just that. I just hope they can see it in their heart to either get Julia Styles to take her clothes off or just kill her character. I’d be fine with either one. (Release Date: August 3, 2007)
10. Zodiac – Give me Fincher and give me a fracked up killer, and I am a happy lad. (Release Date: March 2, 2007)
11. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix – I love the fact that they chose a first time director, and as anyone who has read the books knows, we are going to be getting into some heavy stuff. Something wicked this way comes my friends. (Release Date: July 13, 2007)
12. Charlie Wilson’s War – Mike Nichols, Tom Hanks, Julia Roberts, and Phillip Seymour Hoffman…need I see more? (Release Date: December 25, 2007)
13. Stardust – Mathew Vaughn’s follow-up film to the incredible Layer Cake. This fantasy meets comedy tale looks weird as hell, but I’m giving Vaughn the benefit of the doubt. (Release Date: July 27, 2007)
14. Ocean’s 13 – Everyone is back except for Zeta-Jones and that horse toothed bee-otch Julia Roberts. In her place they’ve upgraded with Al Pacino and he Ellen Barkin. NICE! (Release Date: June 8, 2007)
15. The Tourist – Ewan McGregor and Hugh Jackman in a fracked up stalker sex thriller. Fine with me (Release Date: TBD)

And here are some other titles to keep an eye on, that I will cover in the next list:
Norbit, Breach, Black Snake Moan, The Astronaut Farmer, 300, Reign Over Me, Blades of Gory, Rescue Dawn, Spring Breakdown, The Kingdom, 28 Weeks Later, Pirates of the Caribbean: At Worlds End, Live Free or Die Hard, Transformers, I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, Rush Hour 3, Super Bad, 3:10 to Yuma, American Gangster, Bee Movie, Fred Clause, Hairspray

Golden Globes Awards

Not too exciting, but of the nominees, here is who I would vote for...

FILM
Best Motion Picture (Drama) - The Departed
Best Performance by an Actress (Drama) - Hellen Mirren
Best Performance by an Actor (Drama) - Forest Whitaker
Best Motion Picture (Musical or Comedy) - Borat
Best Performance by an Actress (Musical or Comedy) - Meryl Streep
Best Performance by an Actor (Musical or Comedy) - Sacha Baron Cohen
Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role - Jennifer Hudson
Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role - Eddie Murphy
Best Animated Feature Film - Happy Feet
Best Foreign Language Film - Pan's Labyrinth
Best Director - Martain Scorsese
Best Screenplay - The Queen
Best Original Score - The Fountain
Best Original Song - "Listen" from Dreamgirls

TV
Best Television Series (Drama) - 24
Best Performance by and Actress in a TV Series (Drama) - Edie Falco
Best Performance by and Actor in a TV Series (Drama) - Hugh Laurie
Best Television Series (Musical or Comedy) - The Office
Best Performance by and Actress in a TV Series (Musical or Comedy) - Felicity Huffman
Best Performance by and Actor in a TV Series (Musical or Comedy) - Steve Carell
Best Mini-Series or Motion Picture made for TV - Broken Trail
Best Performance by an Actress in a Mini-Series of Motion Picture made for TV - Gillian Anderson
Best Performance by an Actor in a Mini-Series of Motion Picture made for TV - Chiwetel Ejiofor
Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role in a Series, Mini-Series of Motion Picture made for TV - Toni Collette
Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role in a Series, Mini-Series of Motion Picture made for TV - Masi Oka

Fun, Fun, Fun...and the T-Bird Thing Too.

There is just so much stuff today that I don’t even know where to begin. Well, as Julie Andrews once told us, "Let’s start at the very beginning, a very good place to start…"

Upfront I need to make a semi-correction from yesterday’s post. In the first section I wrote, "The best show on TV that nobody's watching has got to be ABC's Brothers & Sisters." This is only half true because in my completely egocentric world, I only know two other people who watch it…so I just figure no one did (I must admit though, it’s nice to live in a delusional haze always thinking that the overall tastes of the world are reflected in what I, a "student" of entertainment, deem worthy and unworthy). Anyway, problem with the above statement is that I have said many times (and truly belive) that the best show on network TV is Friday Night Lights. And the sad truth with this is that…well, nobody’s watching that either. I obviously love it, and a lot of the people I know and respect really like it too, so as I stated above…I just assumed EVERYONE liked it as much as "we" all did.

Not the truth, so the rectification of the previous day’s statement is, "The best show on TV that nobody's watching has got to be NBC's Friday Night Lights, but they should also be watching Brother’s and Sister because that’s pretty good too."

Oddly enough this leads nicely into topic one of today’s lecture…

MY COACH, YOUR COACH, OUR COACH…COACH TAYLOR!
I won’t dwell on this too much because I went a bit off the deep end last week with the whole Friday Night Lights thing. Either way after last night’s episode it would be very un-Dan like not to throw out a special "You Rock My Sock Off", to my boy Kyle Chandler and his incredible work as Coach Taylor. What he does with silence and with just small facial gestures is better than half the crap we today (this is true for most of the actors on the show). My favorite scene of the season came in last night’s episode, and it was al because of Chandler. Let me set the scene quickly, Coach and his wife are in their living room. Coach is obviously only half watching the game film that is on TV (because the other half of his mind is rolling over the bullshit lawsuit…I am not even going to touch on this), and his wife is just reading over some school papers. Julie, their daughter comes home, distraught over the fact that she now fully understands the troubles her boyfriend Matt Saracen is going through at home. She approaches her folks, and quietly, and very un-teenager says, "Mom, Dad, I love you. You are the best parents in the world." Now, Tami (Coach’s wife) gets it…the look on her face is obvious, she understands her daughter is an emotion wreck. But what does OUR coach do, he smiles, he smiles, and has a look on his face like he just won a battle…"my daughter finally appreciates all I’ve done for her, it’s gonna be smooth sailing from here on out". It was a classic moment, especially when his wife, essentially calls him a stupid moron for HIM not understanding his daughter. All this with no words… god bless you Kyle Chandler, you are my favorite actor on TV (next to Hugh Laurie) and I will cast you in something one day. Mark my words Kyle Chandler…one dayyyyyyy!

THE LORD OF THE AUDITS: THE RETURN OF THE HOLLYWOOD FEUDS
So to me, the news of the day has got to be this bullshit going on between Peter Jackson and New Line Cinema’s Bob Shaye. That said, it’s the best knockdown, drag through the mud, brawl (in the media) since the 2006 Redstone vs. Cruise battle.

Here’s the crux of the issue (I am condensing almost a year of news into a couple of sentences here so don’t call me out on minor details), PJ (or a I like to refer to him…the good George Lucas) asked for an audit from New Line Cinemas for the three Lord of the Rings films. This is not that uncommon in Hollywood. New Line, and more specifically Bob Shaye, told PJ there is no way they were opening their books and to go fuck himself. "I don't care about Peter Jackson anymore. He wants to have another $100 million or $50 million, whatever he's suing us for. He doesn't want to sit down and talk about it. He thinks that we owe him something after we've paid him over a quarter of a billion dollars. ... Cheers, Peter", said Shaye.

To me this all seems a little fishy…why won’t New Line open their books? Is it because they actually do owe PJ the money? Hummmmm? Now so soon after PJ issued a statement to Variety saying that "It is regrettable that Bob has chosen to make [the argument] personal". He went on further about the details saying: "Contrary to recent comments made by Bob Shaye, we attempted to discuss the issues raised by the Fellowship audit with New Line for over a year, but the studio was and continues to be completely uncooperative. This has compelled us to file a lawsuit to pursue our contractual rights under the law. Nobody likes legal action, but the studio left us with no alternative".

It might be just the geek in me, but I totally am on the side of PJ on this. With every fiber of my being I believe that studios do this all the time, but the projects and numbers are never so astronomical or personal. First off, PJ should have been paid 50-100M just in thank you funds for doing what he did with Middle Earth. He saved New Line Cinemas, who were hemorrhaging money like Peter Weller in his "death" scene from Robocop. PJ came in and gave them one of the most publicly, critically, and financially successful film FRANCHISES of all time.
Whatever, I think PJ is right…he should get what he is owed. This will be fun to watch though.

IT’S NOT SOPHIE’S CHOICE…BUT AT LEAST IT’S A CHOICE, RIGHT?
Today the trades reported that the goddess of all thespians Meryl Streep will star in Universal and Playtone's adaptation of the popular ABBA musical Mamma Mia! Jesus Christ…really?! This is the finest actresses of her (or possibly any other) generation staring in an ABBA musical. I love musicals, but Meryl, ABBA? Really?! I love me some Meryl (she was robbed of an Oscar for her Adaptation performance…the dial tone scene alone should have locked her in). I love her so much, that although I did not like The Devil Wears Prada, I didn’t hate it is because Streep gives (as usual) a nuanced and layered performance in what could have been a one note role. But ABBA?! Really?! I think it’s great that she wants to do a musical, just seeing how great she was in the musical number at the end of Stuck on You is a sign of how good she is going to be…but ABBA?! Really?! OK, I’ve said enough about this.

LAST BUT NOT LEAST
I would be remiss if I did not mention that Philip Seymour Hoffman, Catherine Keener, along with some other actors I don’t care about (but are really good) because they are not Hoffman and Keener are in negotiations to star in Charlie Kaufman’s directorial debut, Synecdoche, New York. Kaufman is the genius writer behind Being John Malkovich, Adaptation, and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, and it looks like Spike Jonze is going to produce. Hoffman will play a theater director who ambitiously attempts to put on a play by creating a life-size replica of New York inside a warehouse. Keener would play his first wife. Mark this one down as my most anticipated film (so far) of 2008. For those who care, my most anticipated film of 2007 (so far) is Hot Fuzz (check it out, if you don’t know what it is http://movies.yahoo.com/feature/hotfuzz.html)

Brain Droppings

So certain people have told me I tend to go on too long (Helloooooo, the name of the blog is The Long Way Round dumb asses). So I will try to keep this post short and semi-sweet...

Underrated
The best show on TV that nobody's watching has got to be ABC's Brothers & Sisters. The show is the brain child of the brilliant playwright Jon Robin Baits, and Ken Olin is the executive producer. Who's Ken Olin? Well, he just happens to be the glue that kept the fucking awsome Alias alive and kicking for 5 dope ass season. In the current universe of network TV, it's too easy to say that a show is good because of the writing, directing, and acting...too many shows fall into this category (24, Lost, The Office, The Unit, etc...). Well, Brothers & Sisters is no different, but what makes this show stand out from others on network TV is that, well, it's just solid as hell. This word may mean nothing to you, but the only show I can compare Brothers & Sisters to is The Wire. Now The Wire IS the best show on ALL of TV (cable or network), and like like The Wire, Brothers & Sisters...well, it just feels different. It doesn't try to do to much, it doesn't ever go off the deep end, the show is Popey ("I am, what I am"). The characters and storylines are so rich and textured, but never flashy. The last thing I want to mention is the cast...or what I consider to be the most tremendous group of dramatic actors (along with House) on network TV. First we have our Alias alums, Ron Rifkin and the under appreciated Balthazar Getty, next the always steller and so natural Rachel Griffiths (ho w much do you miss Six Feet Under...I mean really), then the ultra reliable Sally Field and Patricia Wettig, then someone who I usually can't stand, but is so good in this show I can't help be a fan of...Calista Flockhart, and finally, the two men who are the true breakout stars - Dave Annable (as Justin the drug addict) and Matthew Rhys (the gay lawyer). If you haven't seen the show, well, don't start now because you won't know what the hell is going on...but promise me you'll rent it when it comes out on DVD. Then you can tell me how right I am.

Huh? January 26th?
Has anyone seen the preview for Smoking Aces? Well, if you haven't...first check it out (http://www.apple.com/trailers/universal/smokinaces/). The flm is written and directed by Joe Carnahan, the dude who was responsible for the mind-blowing Narc. Smoking Aces is his follow-up film. OK, now let me ask this...what the fuck?! With the sucess of Narc, don't we all belive that this film should have a better release date than the pergatory that is January 26th? Well, as my boy Beck say HELL YES! Not only because this dude deserves a fucking break (he was attached to three high profile films which got either shit canned or ceased production...and then magically started up again without him), but also look at the cast - Jeremy Piven, Andy Garcia, Ray Liotta, Ryan Reynolds, Alicia Keys, Common, Peter Berg, and (let me hold my breath for these last two) Michael Bluth himself...Jason Bateman AND last but not least Ben Affleck (Affleck was the BOMB in Phantoms YO!). Seriously, people have to start hating on Ben, he's fucking great (brotha was in Chasing Amy and had the line of the year in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back - "Hah, well that's where you are wrong...I WASN'T with a hooker today.) Anyway, it just pisses me off that this film is going to get burried. To me it looks like an American verison of the old Guy Ritchie films - Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels or Snatch (the ones that he made before Maddona cut his balls of).

Well, that's all for today...I know these weren't the meanest or funniest ones I have written. But they were short and they came from the heart.

A Wasted Sunday Night

(Sorry for not posting on Friday...things got crazy...I am a bad boy)

So since my wife gets to control the remote sometimes I was froced into watching You're The One That I Want and The Apprentice: LA last night. All I have to say about this is that I would have much rathered forked over the $10.75 to have seen Freedom Writers while a wolverine gnawed at my honey coated ankles.

You're The One That I Want
Before I continue, let me first say that I love Broadway, and I love Broadway musicals. My mother raised me on show tunes (thank god my dad raised me on Led Zepplin and The Who), so obviously Grease was a show (and film) that I know very well. I saw the last revival of it (the one with that fat lesbian chick from The View), and it was OK. To me Grease is just one of those musicals that won't ever go away. You either love it or are kind of in the middle (I am in the middle). I don't know anyone who hates it. The one thing you have to admit is that it makes for GREAT Karaoke songs, and songs that if you had them on a "random" mix that you "happen" to put on when you "happen" to have a musical theater major in your room when you were in college...you "happen" to get laid.

First off, I can't keep typing the title You're The One That I Want, so from here on out I will refer to this show as "James Belushi". There is only one reason to watch a show like James Belushi or John Cryer (that's how I refer to American Idol) , and it's to watch people's dreams get crushed. Sure, it's fun to see the freaks who have no talent make asses of themselves, but what's more fun is to see the people who have some talent just get whacked in the stomach with a solid lead pipe of reality. I like to refer to these people as "Margies", for their marginal talent and marginal overall presentation.

Think back to when you were in high school, was there one mildly attractive person who was always the lead in every high school play? And when this person got into NYU's Tisch acting school, did they let everyone know about it, and all of a sudden start wearing scarves and begin drinking just hot water with lemon. Well, that's the type of person who makes a show like James Belushi fun to watch.

To see these people's faces when they are flat out told "No" or "That was painful", oh boy, am I just ticked pink. John Cryer is the grand daddy of reaction shots for these people, but James Belushi completely dropped the ball. There were at least 4 or 5 times in last night's episode where someone lost it, and the cameras just were not there. Also, the host Billy Bush is so wrong for this type of program (he is also just wrong for the overall race...the human race that is). Say what you want about Seacrest, but he fucking knows what the audience wants. When Ryan sees someone on the brink of tears, he always asks the questions that pushes them over. Or when we sees a contestant just seething, Seacrest just gives that smug little look and BOOM...crazy is in the house. Billy Bush, gave someone a tissue last night. There were tears welling up in the eyes of this absolutely destroyed 20 years old waitress, and Bush gives her a tissue and hug. DUDE, you are the host, you are hosting me...give ME...what I want. Make her cry, and then show her the door to the porn auditions next door.

There is no better musical to rip the hearts out of a Margie than Grease. Between the popularity of the film, and the fact that every fucking middle school, high school, summer camp, fat camp, old age home, and mental institution puts on a staging of Grease at least once every 2 years; there isn't a single Margie out there who hasn't played Danny or Sandy once in their lives, and then were told by their overly loving friend of the family who's brother-in-law sweeps the floor at the Universal Studios back lot, that they were the single best Danny or Sandy they had ever seen.

OK, to finish this diatribe off. My wife liked the show...so now I have to be in some way exposed to it from here on out. I just hope that if I do have to sit through it again, the producers learn how to get me some real pain out of these Margies.

The Apprentice: LA
(I am assuming that all of you have seen at least a few if not one entire season of this show...if you haven't, well, you are a stronger person than I am)

Fuck Trump...seriously, fuck him so hard that he has to use one of those blow up donuts for sitting. OK, with that out of the way...for some reason NBC brought back this tired reality show, (but as everyone is saying) with new twists. The twists? The show is now in LA, Ivanka Trump is the new Carolyn, the losing team every week has to live in a tent outside of of the mansion where the winner sleep, and the winning project manager not only stays that project manager till the team looses, but also gets to be Trump's other advisor in the board room. Please let me take a second to comment on these one at a time...

1) The show is now in LA - As a New Yorker I think this is bullshit. The consistently best part of The Apprentice was their exterior shots of NYC, and how they really did make NYC feel like the financial capitol of the country (WHICH IT IS...NBC DUCHE BAGS). Anyway, I understand this change. Why? Well, in NYC there were no hot chicks in bikinis and hot tubs. Now that they are in LA...well just based on the first episode they got both. I have to admit that hot chicks in bikinis and hot tubs are not contributing factors to me wanting to watch a show, but in the ever expanding world of hot chicks in bikinis and hot tubs in the current TV landscape, the producers of The Apprentice had to keep up (sigh).

2) Ivanka Trump is the new Carolyn - Ivanka is huge in every way. She towers over the contestants, she is a giantess ("It's fun to be a giantess. You get to travel the world, and see cool things, and meet nice people"). By the way, who is Ivanka? We know she went to Wharton because The Donald says it every five minutes, but who is she? And also, I can't tell if she is hot or not. Anyway, it's clear from the first episode that NBC and the producers are setting her up to be the hot new thing that comes out of the show, so we'll wait and see how this works out. For my money, she's fine, just eh...at least she's better than her fuck stick of a father.

3) The losing team every week has to live in a tent outside of of the mansion where the winner sleep, and the winning project manager not only stays that project manager till the team looses, but also gets to be Trump's other advisor in the board room - I am combining all these for one reason...Mark Burnett. The guy is so smart, and so successful in so many ways...he can rip himself off. How? Losing team living in tents outside, braving the elements (in LA...right). Does this sound familiar to anyone? Say, um, Survivor's Exile Island. And the winning team's project manager in the board room...hmmmm...again, sitting in on Trial Council. To Burnett, it is clear, if it worked on on one show, it will work on another. We will see, we will see.

I want to mention one more thing about last night's episode. The two teams' task was to see who could make the most amount of money running a two separate car washes. I want to point out of few tiny shots that lasted no more than 2 or 3 seconds each. These imagess showed the more attractive female cast members on all fours, in their respectable women's business attire, scrubbing the hub cabs of cars. Sweating, breathing hard, and the angles used were like something out of porno. Now not only were my wife and I uncomfortable with these images, but on a much more ugly sexist level, Nicholson's line from A Few Good Men kept running through my head, "There is nothing on this earth sexier, believe me, gentlemen, than a woman you have to salute in the morning. Promote 'em all, I say, because this is true - if you haven't gotten a blow-job from a superior officer, well, you're just letting the best in life pass you by." Is it also wrong that this quote is why I dated the Valedictorian from my High School class for four years? ;)

Wednesday Night Lights

(MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD...IF YOU DID NOT SEE LAST NIGHT'S FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS DO NOT READ ON)

Today's post is going to be fully dedicated to by far the BEST, and I mean Uber Top show on network TV (especially after last nights episode). That show is of course Friday Night Lights.

There has never (and I use that word with full knowledge of what it means), and I mean NEVER been a show on TV that is so real and raw. No other pro-gr-am can make you laugh, and then before you are done chortling, pull at your heart strings or make you cover your eyes in fear. Rescue Me does this brilliantly as well, but it's obviously easier when you are operating under basic cable rules and you are on FX, and not restrained by the network's bullshit standards and practices guidelines. (By the way, finally saw Dirt...dude, that show kind of sucked balls)

I kind of wish I had a copy of last night's episode with me now, or at least was of the mind-set to take notes as I was watching it because there are so many tiny details that I want to mention is this post. Needless to say, if I forget something...please remind me, and I will gladly hang my head it shame, then edit this post, place it in there, and take total credit for it.

OK, so here we go...

- The Open: Our main man Jason Street waking up at 6am to work out. First off, huge props to the usage of Tom Petty's Highway Companion. Also, our fist intertextual wink to the doc Murderball when the garage door opens to reveal Jason in his wheel-chair (Can anyone think of the other two references before you read on? If so, you get a gold star for the day.). Also, I want to point out that last night's episode was not only written by a woman, but also directed by one as well...way to go females!

- Nevermind: I totally felt Jason's pain when he couldn't find his Nirvana CD...as he said, "Because I am cripple, and my life sucks...I just want to listen to Nirvana, MOM!" Unreal moment. I want to take a quick second to point out that Scott Porter (the actor who plays Jason Street) is one hell of a thespian. When they first injured Jason in the first episode I thought it was a little cheesy and contrived, but I had no idea that this was the arc that the writers were going to send Jason on. It is so compelling, and mostly because Mr. Porter has found a perfect balance between his use of silence and his Texas charm...I'd fuck him. And how bad did you feel for him when he couldn't get it up after the music store. Which leads me to...

- Lyla Garity - is hot.

- The Saracen's - Zach Gilford, the actor who plays Matt, should be given some award right now. Is there something better than an Emmy, Golden Globe, or Oscar? Yup, actually there is...it's called the Blockbuster Award ;) Well, I am here to give Mr. Gilford that award right now. To me, Matt the character is one of the most entertaining on TV. After last nights episode another layer of Matt was stripped away. We finally saw him as a child, a boy, who for once let his guard down and didn't act like a man all the time. The joy on his face when he saw his dad was...well, joyous. When he ran outside to greet his father at the cab...the way Gilford played it was so childlike. This scene was a reminder of one of the more important themes contained within the show, one that gets overlooked a lot - the fact that these athletes are CHILDREN. What seems like the world in dropped on their shoulders by an entire town, and they are constantly told to "be a man", when sometimes what they need is to be kids. In last night's episode, this is exactly what Matt was dealing with. Matt takes care of his delusional grandmother, he pays the bills, he is the handy man, and all this heaped onto his football schedule...oh yeah, and his school wok. His eventual breakdown and blow-up at his dad was not only the most childish thing he could have done, it was also the most adult. But then the show does what it does best, just when there is a glimmer of hope, reality sets in. Matt is put right back in his place, he walks back into his house to face all his problems all over again. I love Matt Saracen, I root for him during the games, and he is by far the SECOND best character on TV.

The First Best Character On TV - COACH TAYOLR! Not only would I eat cake off of Tim Riggins' hairy back if Kyle Chandler (a.k.a. Coach Taylor) asked me too...well, that's bad enough. You get the point. The relationship he has with his wife is terrific. So natural, so real, they can go from fighting to laughing in a moment and we completely buy it. Coach Taylor = Best football coach character ever.

Lyla Garity - is hot, AND BROUGHT QUAD PORN OVER TO GET HE EX-BOYFRIEND OFF! She's a freak, and we love this about her..."we want a lady in the street, but a freak in the bed!" Also, this was Murderball reference #2. The Quad Porno that Lyla put in for her and Street was the same one they used in Murderball (has anyone figured out what the third reference is...and no, it wasn't the video of quad rugby Jason was watching in bed). But back to Lyla...dude, HOT!

Landry, Riggins, and John Steinbeck - What a brilliant combination! The criminally underused Landry is paired with Riggins to tutor him for an oral book report on Of Mice and Men (there's a sitcom in there somewhere). Anyway, although the way the writers connected that storyline to Riggins and Street was a little forced, I am so in love with the show I just overlooked it. What important is that I hope this episode established a new friendship in Dillion High School that will last a long time. The two of them together are excellent. It was like Landry was Riggin's personal "wise cracking" assistant...the Pinky to his Brain. Also, we got to delve a little deeper into the strange world that is Landry outside of school with Christian Metal Band. This led to the line of the season so far, "I wanted to name the band Stigmatalingus, but some people were offended by that...can you believe it?"

So that's about all I remember from last night's episode. Looks like next week they are bringing back that blond haired chick with the moles on her face to do some damage to her step-dad. Also the question of "Is the Street family going to sue Coach Taylor or not?" will be answered. Fuck them if they do...like Coach Taylor needs more stress.

P.S. - I didn't forget about all you Murderball people out there. The 3rd reference was the tattoo on leg of Street's friend (the really trashing guy in the wheel chair). It is an exact copy of the one Zupan has.

P.P.S. - Lyla Garity is smoking hot and is into Quad porn...NASTY!

Best show on TV!

Wednesday, January 3, 2007

News and Tidbits
Transformers
Not much interesting entertainment news to comment on today, other than Will Ferrel having a second kid. Does Will Ferrel need to be funny in everything he does...I mean, he named his second kid Matthias, and this is after dubbing his first born Magnus. Mangus and Matthias Ferrel, now the kids names from Talladega Nights don't seem to be too much of a stretch for the guy ("I want to praise the lord, Baby Jesus, for my two kids, Walker, and Texas Ranger...")

Other than this, a new international Transformers preview hit the net (http://www.aintitcool.com/node/31130). The highlight here is that Michael Bay and Steven Spielberg actually appear on screen and speak Japanese. Is it just me or is Steven Spielberg putting his faith in Michael Bay a little disturbing. I loved Bad Boys and The Rock, but Armageddon is one of the most devilishly bad movies ever made, only disguised by the pretty kick ass cast ("Affleck was the bomb in Phantoms yo!"). How painful is it when Affleck cries and tells Willis he loves him at the end...painful, in a "there's a career going down the toilet" way. And let's not forget Pearl Harbor, or as I like to call is I Love My Steady Cam and Techno Crane So Much I Think I Am Going to Make An Entire $200M Movie With Just Those Tools. I do have this to say about him though, The Island got a shit on for no reason. The film is actually pretty good. If you haven't seen it...go rent it, and if you have seen it, see it again. Again, a great cast - Ewan "I am totally under rated" McGregor, Scarlett "I keep forgetting you are younger than me because of your boobies" Johanson, Sean "Has got to work much more because I rock" Bean, Steve "If I didn't talk I could be mistaken for Ernet Borgnine's ball sack" Buschemi, Michael "I knocked it out of the park in The Green Mile, but now am banished to playing Bruce Willis' sidekick" Clarke-Duncan, and Djjimon "I think I know that guy from that movie" Hounsou. Either way...the Transformers preview kind of rocks, and I want it to be good.

Bob Dylan
I want to take a second to mention that Bob Dylan is threatening to sue the makers for the new Sienna Miller film Factory Girl because it supposedly hints to the fact that Edie Sedgwich committed suicide because Dylan broke her heart. I have two things to say about this (1) who the fuck is Edie Sedwich and (2) it's Bob Fucking Dylan, I am sure he's had multiple people commit suicide under his name. You can't write those fucking brilliant songs and not have some (cue up the rim shot) blood on the tracks. Bob should just suck it up, and go back to doing concerts where he plays the piano behind his drummer.

Disney
Although they pay my bills, I have to say that they can be nucking futs sometimes. Supposedly, Disney is "reexamining" their marketing strategy for the new Pixar film coming out this summer titled Ratatouille because Cars did not live up to BO expectations. This is just stooopid, Cars sucked compared to all the rest of the Pixar films. Ratatouille has too many good things going for it...(1) Written and Directed by Brad Bird. He's the dude that did The Incredibles, by far the BEST Pixar film to date (and probably one of the best films of the last 10 years), (2) the main character is voiced by none other than Patton "I am a living god of comedy" Oswalt, and finally (3) it's does not have talking cars in it. Why doesn't Disney pull their panties out of their asses, and realize that a film that grossed them over $150M world wide is a success, and that they should trust Brad Bird because he is fucking cool as all sheeeee-yit.

New Shows
Tonight one of the funnier TV shows since Arrested Development premieres. It's called The Knights of Prosperity. The writing is snappy, but more than this, the characters and the actors playing them are hilarious (you'll get this tomorrow if you watch it, but "You IN, You IN, You IN"). I truly doubt this fucked up, bass awkward, no taste for the abnormal work will ever allow it to last, but nonetheless it is funny as hell. Check it out.

Tuesday, January 2, 2007

(First Post Ever...let's hope it lasts)

News of the Day - It looks like the 4th Indiana Jones is going to finally begin production in the spring of 2007 for a summer 2008 release. I couldn't be more on the fence about this. There is one part of me that is just tickled pink that I get to watch another Indi movie, but then there is a part of me that remembers how deep in denial I had to get after I saw Episode I. Just trying to justify to all the haters (who were right) that the film was so worth the wait. Well, at least George is not directing it, and Steven is a huge believer in practical shooting, so the GFX will be at a minimum. Also, let's not forget that Harrison Ford is now 134 years old. Either way, the usual suspects are all back (Kennedy, Marshall, Williams), but the script is written by David Koepp who can be really hit or miss (best example, Jurassic Park - HIT, The Lost World - MISS). For more info, check out Dark Horizons http://www.darkhorizons.com/news07/070102f.php

TV - So the new FX show Dirt premiered last night, and I completely didn't care. In fact I chose to watch the Matt Damon Inside the Actor's Studio instead (Matt Damon in DA BOMB YO!...even if I can't say his name the proper way, ever since I saw Team America). I did DVR it, and will most likely watch it tonight. But honestly, I fucking hate Courtney Cox like I hate a crotch rash. I didn't watch much of Friends, but from what I saw...Cox was the least interesting. I have to give her credit though, she was in the most interesting horror film trilogy of all time...Scream. But when she got shot in the first one I stood up in a completely empty theater and cheered. Too bad the whore lived. Back to Dirt, I just can't buy her as an evil tabloid editor, to me she will always be the big haired girl from Family Ties and the one who did it multiple times with Jim Carrey in Ace Ventura.